Step Four: Be a Gentle Warrior

About a week or so ago, I attended a performance by Wreckio Ensemble, a theatre company I admire greatly. The performance was above the KGB bar located on 4th street between First and Second Ave. The show, Naked, featured Wreckio’s past, present, and future. I loved it. It is fearless artistry and creativity.

After the show, I was walking down 4^th street with Rita (my partner) and a few friends. It was a busy Saturday night downtown, the streets were crowded and there was a festive vibe in the air. As we got to the crosswalk, I noticed a guy, who was clearly drunk off his ass, yelling and threatening random people getting off the bus- in and of itself, not atypical for NYC.

As the light changed, we started to cross the street and he follows from behind, insulting us. I could not help but turn around, look him in the eye and say "All right, that's enough." Of course, this is not the best way to get a hostile drunk to leave you alone.

He starts really focusing in on us, and I start to feel that familiar fight or flight sensation. My heart starts pounding, adrenaline rushing, the whole nine yards. Except this time, I am really infuriated. The city becomes silent to me. I can’t hear a thing, except what he is saying. I don’t notice anyone, except him. I turn again and say "Lighten up". Inside, though, I am ready to go at it. I haven't felt this much rage in a long, long, time.

Fortunately, Rita took complete control of the situation and diffused the tension. It was pretty amazing actually, she got in between the two of us started yelling at us both, and minutes later, he walked off not really knowing what else to do.

I have to tell you, it's so ironic that I told this guy to "lighten up". In preparation for this step in the 12 step process, I have actually been reading about compassion across many different religious and philosophical texts. Recently, I was rereading Start Where You Are, a book by Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist monk. In her book, Chodron, outlines a series of practices for developing an "awakened heart", or Bodhichitta. The awakened heart is a heart that is at once compassionate, open, and clear. It is why the title of this blog is mind-heart-body.

One of the first practices, according to Chodron, is to “lighten up”. Don’t take everything so seriously. Recognize when you are playing the same storyline over and over again in your mind, addicted to the drama of it all, and let it go. Treat others and ourselves with gentleness and care as opposed to harshness and a "me-victorious"/ egotistical attitude.

So, here I am, reading about compassion, thinking about the words of the Dalai Lama, that “True compassion develops when we ourselves want happiness and not suffering for others…", using the language of Chodron, and telling this guy to “lighten up” as I mentally prepare to kick his ass. What a poignant lesson.

Buddhism frequently conjures an image of the Compassionate Warrior. I never really understood this. But, I think I’m starting to get it now. Practicing compassion requires tremendous courage, discipline, and commitment- all qualities of the warrior. This will be, for me, my Mount Everest. I have a lot to learn about compassion.

This whole situation is still a little embarrassing. Saying “lighten up”, which is supposed to be used in the context of compassion, to a guy I want to ground and pound makes me twinge. But I am reminded that “we are part of a lineage of people who have cultivated their bravery throughout history, people who, against enormous odds, have stayed open to great difficulties and painful situations and transformed them into the path of awakening. We will fall flat on our faces again and again, we will continue to feel inadequate, and we can use these experiences to wake up and connect with the power of our lineage, the lineage of gentle warriorship.”

So, in failure, I learn that true compassion is not just exhibited toward friends and family but is univeral in scope and accompanied by a feeling of responsibility.

Step Four: Be a Gentle Warrior

Namaste,

Gattosan